It feels strange to look back now and realise that prior to my recovery, I had never really known what life without an eating disorder was like.

I can trace my first memories of disordered eating all the way back to when I was mere 3 or 4 years old.I was always a highly sensitive, anxious child and it did not take long for food to become the primary focus of my childhood fears.

I remember being particularly scared of eating school dinners and doing everything in my power to avoid it. These attempts couldn’t fool the school’s headmaster – he noticed that I was growing increasingly pale and malnourished, and informed my parents about my reluctance to eat at school.

It wasn’t like it was any different at home though – my mum always had a hard time convincing me to finish my meals. The concern of my headmaster, however, landed me and my mum in the doctor’s office. It was Ireland in the 1960s – medical professionals knew nothing about eating disorders back then. The doctor didn’t take my problem seriously. He assured my mum that I would simply grow out of it.

This was the first time I was told that my struggles were, in a sense, not real. It took years for me to persuade myself otherwise and try looking for help again. So I kept on doing what I had always done – and I was growing more and more exhausted, depressed and isolated in the process. Life wasn’t easy for my parents too – my dad was an alcoholic and my mum had four younger children to raise.

As a result, my decline went largely unnoticed. I felt unloved most of the time. No matter what I did, I never felt like I was good enough.

My body image deteriorated and my thoughts became distorted. I was bingeing more and more frequently. I was also worrying about my weight and, in an attempt to control it, I started purging at least once or twice a day.

• I thought I had no discipline and no self-control.
• I blamed myself for what was happening to me.
• I went on numerous diets in the hope of reducing my insatiable appetite.
• I kept on restricting my food intake and punishing myself for bingeing.
• I even tried going to counselling for a while – however, it wasn’t geared towards my eating disorder and focused in on other problems that had occurred in my life.
• I didn’t know where else to turn.
• I felt hopeless.

As the years went by with no significant changes, the desire to just give up grew stronger and stronger.

It all changed after I accidentally stumbled on a book “The Bulimia Help Method” by Ali and Richard Kerr. Everything that I read in there made perfect sense – from beginning to end.

My bulimia wasn’t my fault after all. It was simply an automatic physical response brought on by years of starvation and malnourishment. The same process would affect anyone and everyone who starved themselves – of course. I was no different! Reading the book was an eye-opening experience, a true revelation that allowed me to realise that I could recover even after four decades of disordered eating.

I decided not to waste any more time and started the recovery process straight away.
“The Bulimia Help Method” made it absolutely clear that structured eating was one of the most important elements of recovery. I was eager to put this theory to the test and began eating 6 daily meals every 3 hours, while also paying attention to micronutrients and focusing on consuming lots of fresh, whole foods.

I have to admit though that it wasn’t all smooth sailing. I stuck to my eating schedule, I kept nourishing my body, but I still couldn’t get a handle on my bingeing and purging.

I was still frightened of letting my old coping mechanisms go.
Perhaps it was too late for me to recover after all?

Perhaps, after 43 years of disordered eating, the patterns were simply too ingrained to be changed?
It was clear that I needed something extra, something more to really make a difference in my life.
That was when I signed up to the Binge Code Coaching Program and met Catherine, a person who became my trusted recovery guide.

It was such a significant turning point in my healing that I can still remember the exact date of our meeting – 23 February.

From that day onward, I only thought positively about recovery.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that meeting Catherine absolutely changed my life.
There was finally somebody who understood me, believed in me and, most importantly, helped me believe in myself.

The things that my coach taught me were truly invaluable.

• I learned to be myself, love myself and care for myself.
• I learned to allow myself to just take a rest and enjoy recovery.
• I learned to experience it to the full – with all of the pain, the joy, the highs, the lows and the relapses that come with it.

And all the while Catherine was there for me, never judgemental and always endlessly encouraging.

With the help of my coach, I discovered that feeling my emotions was actually okay.

It wasn’t scary or threatening. I didn’t have to numb my anxiety, anger or pain with food. If I allowed my feelings to simply be there, they moved through my body and eventually dispersed.

It was holding on to them, trying to prevent them from moving, trying to prevent the pain, that caused the tension more than anything else.

Because of my coaching, I was able to become familiar with my true feelings and my true self once again. It’s the greatest gift that anyone could ever receive.

Sure, there have been challenges along the way and I had to learn to overcome them.